I am a stay at home mom still to 3 and 4 year old boys- and currently stillunder my husbands health insurance- thought maybe you or some other single moms could point me in the right direction as to getting inexpensive medicalinsurance when I am legally divorced- my husbands employer will not cover mine any longer- I don’t count as a dependent although my children do.
Filed under Post Divorce, Well being by 
In this day and age when do most people think it is the right time to begin having a sexual relationship? As an older dating person I find it hard to understand what men want. It seems like you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t!
My thoughts on this: The good news is that you get to decide when you want to have a sexual relationship. When you feel it is right for you. You need to feel comfortable and enthusiastic about the experience, not like you are on some timetable dictated by someone else’s expectations. Yes, there are some people who are looking for sex, and if you are not interested they may not call you back. Oh well! You also need to spend some time figuring out what you want. Maybe you need to meet a variety of men to determine what you want from a relationship at this point in your life, and you aren’t comfortable with the sex part yet. Or maybe you have an inner guide telling you that you want to go on three (five, twenty) dates before you have sex. Listen to that guide and honor it.
Filed under Dating, Post Divorce, Well being by
I have been divorced for one year, for the second time. I am starting to meet people, however, I think my expectations for men may be too high. I don’t want to end up with the same kind of guy. I expect dinner, a small gift once in a while. I would like for him to remember my birthday, or special dates, and be financially stable. I also do not have a lot of time to date because I have three children, so I would like for him to be patient and also be available when I am. What should I really expect from a man? Am I being realistic?
My thoughts on this: When dealing with the question of expectations there is one really important thing to consider. Unrealistic expectations create disappointment, resentment and demands that can’t be met without the other person feeling put upon. Some men may have a similar list of expectations for you which might include you making him a nice dinner, being able to support your kids without his help, and being available when he is. Relationship is all a process of negotiation. If you are dating a man with similar expectations all is very good. The problem arises when your expectations seem overwhelming to someone who might feel they can’t possibly give you what you want without compromising what they want for themselves. That said, there are many men who would love to know what your expectations are up front (and also that the list won’t be added to daily!) because they want to please you. What to do? Get very clear with yourself on the expectations you have from a partner that are non-negotiable. These are things you must have. Make sure the person you are with is willing to meet these most basic needs. The rest is icing on the cake. When you do receive a small gift react with unbridled enthusiasm, give him hints about your upcoming birthday or special dates until he gets in the pattern of remembering himself. Relationships thrive when each person is fully appreciated. When expectations are clear and reachable you create opportunities to appreciate each other rather than feeling disappointed or resentful.
Filed under Dating, Remarriage, Well being by
I have not dated in about five years. I devoted all of my attention on my teenage daughter. Now that she is temporarily out of my home I think I’m ready to get out there again. I’ve never been married and my longest relationship lasted six months. I don’t quite know what to do. Dating scares me but I do want to meet someone someday!
My thoughts on this: I’m assuming that you have good friends, which means you know how to have a successful long term relationship. Take a little time to note what qualities you look for in a friend—these are the character traits you will need in a partner. I would also take the time to think about why your past relationships have only lasted six months. Perhaps you were with the wrong person, or it was the wrong time in your life, but more than likely you were also afraid of something. Get to the bottom of the fear. Is it fear that the person won’t love you, will leave you, will hurt you? Whatever it is, you need to spend time processing that. Once you truly decide that you want to meet someone, you have to go for it the same way you would if you were unemployed and looking for a job. Make your intent clear to yourself and others. Set goals, take steps. The most comfortable place to meet men is participating in an activity you already enjoy. So start by taking a class or join some sort of co-ed group in your area. That way you will meet men, form friendships, and progress slowly into dating without the anxiety that usually accompanies the search to meet someone.
Filed under Dating, Post Divorce, Remarriage, Well being by
I have met a really wonderful guy who adores me both mentally and physically, however through a lot of bad experiences, I have a problem with trust when it comes to him and other potential women. He is in the middle of finalizing his divorce after 17 years in the relationship. I have not been married for more than 10 years, hence my bad experiences with men who cheat. Do you have any tips for building trust before I lose what could be the best thing ever?
My thought on this: You used the word building—that is exactly why trust is so hard once it is demolished. I’d like you to consider an idea. The only way to build trust is one thought at a time, one action at a time, one experience at a time. So ask yourself if the man you are with has given you a thought, action or experience to break that trust. If he hasn’t then you need to accept the possibility that you are using your past experiences as an excuse to keep yourself closed off and safe. After all, you have good reasons, right? The thing is that you don’t have a good reason with this man. The choice is yours—either stay buried in the rubble of past hurt, rejection, and doubt—or let it go and give the actual experiences of your life a chance to build a new idea of what love can be. I can promise you it won’t get easier, so you might as well give trusting someone a try.
Filed under Dating, Post Divorce, Remarriage, Well being by
When I am stressed (which is most of the time) I cannot control yelling at my boys whenever they start fighting. Being a single mother of two boys is very difficult. I do not get help from anyone, which makes it that much worse. Any advice?
Filed under Parenting, Post Divorce by
I am a single mom of a 5 year old daughter. I struggle with her and her behavior. She screams at me when she is asked to help clean her room or when she cannot get her way. It is not a small tantrum it is almost as if she can’t stand being asked to do something when it’s me doing the asking. When she is with her dad for the weekend he has no problems with her. It hurts to know that she olny does this with me. Taking a bath before bed, brushing her teeth some mornings, getting ready for bed UHH thats a CHORE she will scream and cry and will get off of her bed and run into the living room and hide. I have read her bed time stories, sang to her, rub her back at night, sometimes I lay down and cry b/c she is so determined to win. I have talked to my sister and she feels tht my daughter is testing me to a point where I can’t deal with it. Why does she do this? Am I not doing something right?
Filed under Parenting, Post Divorce by
I am a single mom of 7-year-old twins and I can’t find a date to save my life! I have not dated once in the six years that I have been single. Every guy I have met that has even an inkling of potential turns into "just a friend." How do I send the signal that I want to be more than friends?
My thoughts on this: A few things to try. First take a look at your body language and what it communicates to the men you want to date. If you are the type who gives nurturing advice, is the ‘go to’ woman at work whenever anyone needs a little mothering, then you are automatically put into the ‘she’d make a great friend category.’ So much about attraction is determined by the energy you put out; the way you look at someone, the way you dress on a date, what hints you drop about being attracted to someone (flirting). It is a bit of a game, you show your cards, he shows his. Somehow the cards you are putting on the table are reading “Let’s be friends” when you want them to be communicating, “Let’s be lovers—or something moving that direction rather than just friends.” Think hard about what you want to communicate and then be that person on your date or around the men you are interested in dating. Also, if the friends thing is coming up mostly with men who don’t have children, try dating men with children.
Filed under Dating, Post Divorce, Well being by
My divorce is final in a few months however we have been separated for almost two years. I would love to go out more often but find myself feeling guilty all the time because maybe I should be with my children. I am with them everyday. Also, I’m getting a lot of hostile remarks about dating from my ex. What should I do?
My thoughts on this: Ignore the hostile remarks from your ex, he is out of your life–which means he’s lost the right to dictate what you do. As far as feeling guilty, I’d ask yourself why your feelings and needs matter so little. It’s impossible to nurture yourself, grow, create new relationships, build a support team, or expand your mind without spending some time away from your children. Guilt only creates a flow of negative energy that keeps you from feeling content with your life—so it is absolutely useless! A solution that has worked for many single moms is to plan date nights when children are with the other parent. That way you do get to spend as much time as possible with your kids. You might also talk with your children about how they would feel if they never got to play with kids their own age. Explain that sometimes mom needs to go out with friends her own age. Most kids understand this.
Filed under Dating, Well being by
My mom purchased your book last week about "Loving Again" after divorce. She and my dad have been broken up for about three years now, and recently she started dating Bob, who is actually the widower of one of her best friends that died in September. Bob has four kids, ages 18, 15, 13 and 11. My twin brothers are 19 and in college and I am 21 and also away at school. I realize I am the oldest in this situation, but I am also having the most difficulty dealing with it. It’s pretty complicated. I have no problem with Bob and his family–in fact, I think they all are great. I just am having the hardest time accepting the fact that my relationship with my mom has been altered, and not for the better. She is my best friend and lately we have fought more than ever before. I’ve tried letting her know how I feel, and she just gets defensive and isn’t willing to hear me out and accept how I feel. I realize she’s in love…I’m glad she is. I just wish she would feel concerned with the fact that her daughter is not happy. I know I’m 21 years old and should have to take care of myself, but at the same time, she still is my mom. I want this situation to be better for all of us. I just don’t like feeling like the odd man out.
Filed under Dating, Remarriage by
